the past year...

well, i was just kind of thinking about the last year of my life-- Becky sent me a card saying that "...The Rollercoaster of Life can sure take ya for some Crazy Wild Rides!...but hang on!..'cause everything's gonna be all-right!" I love that card- i feel like it is such an accurate description of life. The older i get (ha like im so old or something) but for real, the older i get, the more i realize that life progressivley becomes harder and harder. But just because life is hard, doesnt mean that life isnt good. Over the past year of my life I feel like my heart has truly come to know the meaning of "it is well with my soul". Because I'm not going to lie- life sometimes just straight up sucks- but that doesnt mean that we cannot stand before the Lord and find complete and utter joy in His presence. So many of you have heard me say that I have never felt so far away from the Lord, yet so close to him at the same time. My heart cried out before the Lord "WHY!?!". I feel like i truly know what it means to "wrestle with the Lord". But in all my questioning and frustration, He leads me right back before Him- reminding me that He is sovereign, and all glory and honor and praise belong to Him and Him alone. I love how the Word truly is the LIVING word of God. How certain scriptures pierce your heart in different situations and seasons of life. Bottom Line- God is faithful- thats all that matters- and when we begin to doubt what he is doing, we HAVE to feed on His faithfulness, cling to what He has promised us. Ever since I read captivating, I love to look at the small, and yet at the same time huge things the Lord uses to show me how he is tangibly pursuing me. I remember last fall I remember ( i think it was April) when she told us to pray "Lord make your pursuit of me tangible" That is an incredible prayer, and the Lord delights in showing us His love for us. I laugh because I remember asking the Lord to break me, let me truly expirience brokeness. I prayed that prayer las Feburary at the AUMC youth winter retreat- and look at where i have been since then- completely on my face before Him. I can honestly tell you I had no idea what I was asking for. But what a crazy ride it has been. And I cling to the promise that this too will come to pass and that as a daughter of the King I am promised abundant life! Now, that gets me excited and gives me hope. It was so funny- after I had that spinal tap about a month ago, the doctors in Montgomery told me that they have tried everything and there is nothing else they could do- I felt like the words "this world has nothing for me...so I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go? There is no other name by which I am saved; capture me with grace- I will follow you." that was exactly where i was- even everything technology has to offer, this world truly has nothing for me. So I continued to pray Rom 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." So then, I come to michigan- and I feel like there are three different perspectives I can look at my situtaion- medically, psychologically, and spiritually. Its been so great to be up here, because I have learned exactly what is occuring structurally, chemically in my brain causing these migraines. And then I feel I also have learned about how my behavioral habits can bring on the migraines- stress, time efficiency, the way i worry over everything and analyze it to death. And then there is the perspective that no one wants teach me about up here and that is how to look at these migraines and headaches from a spiritual point of view. I think when I heard there is no cure, only ways to try and manage my head, I almost lost all hope. what am I saying, i did lose my hope. I realized I'm having to change everything, and in my mind it may get better, but it may not. But my error in judgement occured when I started placing my hope in the things of this world. Alot of you are sending me mail (yall are amazing) but Robin sent me a card and on the bottom was this verse, "Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone." Ps 33:22. God is so good about calling us out, isnt He?? My hope must lie in Him and Him alone--> yes I am going to make the changes that need to be made to make my life more functional, but just because there is no cure, doesnt mean the Lord cannot or will not heal me. WOW thats so good to hear. So this is a pretty darn long post-- i just basically had nothing at all to do this afternoon :) So I wanted to share with yall this amazing quote that one of you shared with me actually last spring. I find that when i read over this my perspectives always line back up with the fact that God is sovereign and faithful and that he loves me with an unfathomable love. "Only love empowers the leap in trust, the courage to risk everything on Jesus, the readiness to move into the darkness guided only by a pillar of fire. Trust clings to the belief that whatever happnes in our lives is designed to teach us holiness. The love of Christ inspires trust to thank God for the nagging headache, the arthritis that is so painful, the spiritual darnkess that envelops us; to say with Job ' If we take happines from God's hand, should we not take sorrow too?'; to pray with Charles Foucauld: 'Abba, I abandon myslef into your hands. Do with me what you will. Whatever you may do, i thank you. I am ready for all: I accept all. Let your will be done in me and in all your creatures. I wish no more than this O Lord. Into you hands I commend my spirit. I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love you, Lord, and I give myself, surrender myself into your hands without reserve, with boundless confidence, for you are my Father."