say what

so i've been in auburn the past few days. very interesting to be back. even though i'm not back for good. taking it in doses- you know? i feel like everyone has grown up while i have been away. not like they are completely different people- you will always have your core that makes you who you are. but everyone has grown and changed in certain places. it's cool to see. i hate that i wasn't there for the growing and changing part, but it just means i've got a lot to catch up on. and visa versa. i'm still the same old christy, but my heart has changed some. it's good. i didn't really realize how much it's changed until being up here talking to different people. it's hard because i feel like there are so many people that i love and care about, but there is so much to catch up- i begin to wonder will i ever get there. because you can't go back. i would love to have all the same relationships that i had two years ago, but thats impossible. i think i'm making this sound negative and poor pitiful me. but i don't mean it that way. i'm just stating the truth. and i'm excited. so excited. but like i said before, i have to go slow. i HAVE to. no more staying after encounter until midnight talking to everyone. no more being one of the last to leave. no more rationalizing it because "its such a great conversation". I have to get my sleep, keep the same scheduele or my head will totally freak out on me. even like minor weekend trips can put me in the bed for days. but one cool thing is that i know what it means to be self-disciplined. hopefully it will pay off in other areas of my life. i'm turning 20 in a couple of weeks. its insane. sometimes i still feel like i'm in the 8th grade and at other times i feel like i'm 30. but i'm coming to a good place. i am in a good place- more so mentally than physically. atleast i feel like i am. sometimes i still act stupid and fall back into that person that i would be when i was scared and insecure, but i'm working on it. atleast i realize it. you know the movie "Kate and Leopold". They are in the carriage outside Central Park and she looks at him and says "Are you for real??". That has just stuck with me. I want to be real. I want to be vulnerable. I want to be brave. I want to be humble. I want to be kind. I want to be loyal. I'm all over the board a bit but those things are important to me right now. I'm kind of rambling but at the same time it's rambling from my heart. Being here in auburn just for the past few days the Lord has just revealed to me, yet again, how incredibly faithful He is. He is constantly working in me, even when i feel so far away. On the flip side of all of that, i have not been goofy or silly in a while. and that's important too. but i'm not too worried. i know i will be laughing often around all of you crazy people. but whats exciting is that i'm also around people. people who love the Lord with every fiber in their being. I've missed being around that. Constantly being sharpened. It's all about balance. you could say that and apply to pretty much anything in life. but right now thats really what i'm doing. i'm learning to balance. what's awesome is that even if i fall, i know Jesus is right there by my side. He is sovereign. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans that give you a hope and a future." oh how comforting those words are to me these days!!! much love to all you people.
-cg-