Feeling Defeat--And Back Again.

I really hate being a girl sometimes. Within the past two hours I went from feeling like I can change the world to a feeling of just complete defeat. Sometimes I let things get to me, when I just definitely should not. Let me see here. Let's go back a bit. I'm just coming back into who I am if that makes sense at all. For the past two years, I completely shut my heart and soul to everyone and everything, except maybe school(sad). I really thought I had become a completely new person. Someone who didn't really like people. Someone who could really care less. Someone who doesn't want to be involved. Someone who could ignore that I was really dying inside. What happened? The past two years I have just felt so utterly alone. So alone. Even people who love me didn't know what was going on. The second they started to try to figure out what was going on with me, I would just burst into tears, so everyone just left me alone. I did my own thing. I liked it. I had actually convinced myself I didn't need people. Seriously. So anyways, I knew. Deep down I knew this wasn't me. But I didn't think I could do anything. I couldn't commit to anything because of my head, I thought. Sorry can't do it. But this summer I knew. I knew I couldn't not care much longer. It was like my heart was broken into pieces but I refused to feel it. I just built a wall around it so I didn't feel it aching. So this summer, I asked the Lord to break my heart. Break the walls. I knew it would hurt. Bad. But I had to trust Him. And He has been so beyond faithful. Everything I do, anything that I invest He just gives back tenfold. But finding my way back has been hard and interesting. And tonight was hard. I felt like I flashed back. I sometimes get really passionate about things. But then I get my feelings hurt really easily too. What is that? It drives me crazy! I just hate when I do things and then I'm like, really because I thought I had outgrown this. I guess thats it. But back to what I was talking about- coming back to my old self. It's so good to have my heart open again. It's so good to trust Him. It's so good that the status of my head does not determine how I am doing (which by the way is not doing so great, so if you would like to pray for that, that would be awesome). It's cool- last week at Encounter we sang a song that said something I can't remember exactly along the lines of I was dying, now I'm living!! That is just so where I am. It's so great to be alive again. To be alive for Him. I can't wait to see what He has in store for me next, because I have no clue. He is good. He is faithful. ALWAYS.