Pondering

So I am always thinking about things. And then i say to myself- you should go type that and put it in your blog. But the problem is I never make it. Mostly because I am having to cut back the computer time. Now i only get on once every few days- which is so much less considering I used to get on like 3 times a day. The computer for a long time has proven to be yet another one of my migraine triggers. Maybe I should just write them down in my journal and then come post it. I love journaling. As in me, my pen, and my journal. It's a way to gather all of my swarming thoughts. And there are so many.

This guy I met in Michigan- his name was Clarence. He was yet another who could totally identify where I have been. We could share stories and say oh my gosh that happened to me and everyone thought i was crazy!! but the point is that he was convinced that all of us migrainers are so much smarter than everyone else because we have so much time to sit and think. Now, I dont at all think I am smarter than any of you, but I have been given all this time and i think ALOT. Many times while I am resting I just think about all these things that I am working through. But let me be honest- sometimes when I am laying in bed with my icebags, freezer thing for my neck, wet washcloth, and a pillow to balance it all (and i must add this is a daily occurance) and it hurts so bad. Sometimes all I can manage is just pleading to the Lord "please ease my pain, take it away!" Another thing that makes me worse is when I cry. This past week it hurt so badly that i just wanted to cry. But if I gave in and started to cry my head would only get worse. I dont write this so everyone will say poor pitiful me. Well not poor pitiful me, but I just get so frustrated sometimes. People will say cant you just do this. And alot of times it is people that I love. And I feel pathetic, but I can't do it and I hate the fact that no one really understands. And it's no one fault, they just haven't been there. And then the Lord whispers "Christy I know your pain and lonliness." And I try to let that keep me from just going mad. But I also just want to be real- its hard. so hard.

But then as i am typing all this, I realize yes it is hard. and lonley. and all the other words that can describe life. But this is my trial. This is my weakness. It is unique only to me, but that doesn't mean everyone else in their own trials and heartache aren't experiencing the emotions that I feel. I was just scanning over other blogs and lately the general consensus is this underlying feeling of loneliness.

The tv is on in the background and I just heard them quote "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Thoreau was the one who stated that so many years ago. 1854- i just googled for the year because i was curious. I think that is incredible insight into a man's soul. Now I am not claiming I have analyzed this quote so, my thoughts could be total rubbish BUT i just think that one thing everyone has in common is loneliness. I think it is the evil one's greatest tool. To make us feel unimportant, aimless, not noticed, etc. Everyone wants to share their lives with another because they want someone just to witness their life, and make them feel as tho we have meaning. I think I took that straight from some movie but I find it valid. You know I wish I could be some great writer and not doubt myself or my opinions but bodly share with the world the things that I have found are Truth in my life.

I have completely digressed from my point. I honestly am not even sure what it was in the first place. It is so good for me to gather my thoughts. The Father is constantly pouring truth over me when I do, but for some reason half the time I am too lazy to sit and write down my heart. I mean those of you that know me know just how long i can make an email or voice message or whatever else. Can you just imagine when it's just me and God and how much I want to share with Him. It's alot. And half of the time I dont take any of that to Him. So I have all of this building up inside of me. my flesh- its just- how can i describe it- maybe just so thick and so yuck. Why do I constantly give in?

This is getting lengthy but I do want to post these lyrics. I was listening to Christmas music and this song came on in my car and it brought me to tears. Then I saw Beth had posted it on her blog. I guess I feel like this path that I am on- I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Lauren Samford was talking to me and she was like "wow, christy, passion kind of marks a whole year of where you have been." I have walked this road for a year. I can't remember the last time my head was not hurting. I've been stripped down to the core, broken beyond what I thought was possible. Not just my head but everything along with it. Let me share this song-

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I’ve done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now
to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Light in my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Light in my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

The one thing I gathered from this year is that I cannot not do it. The only reason I have made it this far is because He has picked me up and carried me through. Father I praise You for Your mercy, Your kindness, Your grace, Your community, Your love, but most of all for Your LIFE in me.