wed-nes-day

When i was younger, i used to have to say wed. nes. day to remember how to spell wednesday. So i'm out of the hospital. good and bad i think. i am scared to be out bc i have no clue what my head is gonna do. im glad bc oh my gosh, i had to get out of that silly place. the people there were soooo negative. and i hate that i was getting annoyed bc they need to have someone who cares, but i just couldnt be around all the negativiy because i was beginning to bring me down, you know?? ahh and my head hurts right now. but dr saper said "this is the beginning, not the end" so he is going to be talking to my doctors back at home. I have so many medicines i have to take everyday. its seriously is so sad that a 19yr old has to take like four to five different medications twice a day. ahhhh, i feel like a little old lady who needs a weekly pill case to keep upwith all my meds. so i guess basically i need to ask yall to pray for me- that i have positive outlook, not negative, and that these new prevenative medicines will kick in and begin to work, and that ultimately, i can be completely healed, bc i really dont want to be on all htis medicine for the rest of my life. ahhh- my heart. i get so frustrated with myself. why do we long after things that we know we can't have. i feel like im dealing with that in so many different areas of my life right now. so i just end up being utterly frustrated with myself. i really want to get back to auburn to see everyone soon. i fly into atlanta tom afternoon and my dad is pick my mom and i up from the atl airport. i wish they would stop in auburn and let me go to encounter but if i show up tom, ill end up having to talk to a million people and explain everything like over and over again. not that i dont want yall to ask how i am. i really like feeling like people actually care about me. i dont know. i feel like i am at such a wierd place. i know i have always struggled with acceptance. thats why i was the drama queen in high school, and sometimes i still fall back into ot that. i hate it when i do, but its just bc im screaming on hte inside "please accept me". i dont know- so i was talkin to one of you, and i was just telling her how utterly overwhelmed i was that people just care. and she said you know you have always struggled with people accepting you, maybe this is God's way of showing you you really are accepted and loved. and then satan loves to attack and say no one knows what you are going through, and they dont understand. then i am left feeling utterly alone. but thats not truth-- i will NEVER be alone. and thats freaking awesome. So many times i have been in so much pain, and i truly feel like the only person who knows how i feel inside is the Lord. which may be true, but atleast i have the King of all creation who is there for me. i laugh at how when i actually put down my thoughts, i kind of think things through and work them out. so i have no idea where i am going or really what i have been ranting about for hte past how ever many lines i wrote. i probably should go back and read what i have written, but im just feeling to lazy. my first night not in the hospital and my head is killing me. BUT right there, i have to change my thinking. change my lifestyle- which is scary, but its good. so im sitting in our room at the wonderful white oak inn. my mom is watching survivor. yuck- for some reason i just do not like that show at all. but lets get excited-- Lost is next!! even though its a rerun tonight, its still so good. so im off to watch my show and enjoy looking at Sawyer :) there alot of crazy stories i want to write down from the hospital. it was really cool bc i got to know a bunch of people from all these places across the US. Everyone there couldnt believe how addicted i was to being on the computer. I really didnt think i was that bad, i mean maybe a couple of hours everyday. But the other night i was like im going to get on the computer, and sam made the comment "shes an electronic girl, in an electronic world." it was so funny. and i was like really guys, im not that bad, you should see some people i know, they really are addicted, and they were like whatever, you spend WAY to much time on that thing. oh i will miss everyone i have met up here in chelsea. but all good we got emails and such so, no worries. wow im really sorry, i feel like this post has just me venting, but really it has been. sorry if you have read all the way to here and been like what the heck christy, that was very pointless post, but it just felt good to get everything off my chest. i cant wait to get home. i cant wait to see everyone in auburn. ah-i hope tom is not a super long day of travels, and that it goes without any misshaps. yes well for real, im off to watch lost. peaceout, A-town. :)