a little honesty
i was able to make it up to auburn last night. which was good, really good. i have so much going on in my heart. i want to share but i don't even know if i can put all of it in words. but im going to try. the Lord has just been revealing and revealing over the past few weeks. and its stuff i don't want to deal with. so i just try to ignore it. i've been going to counseling which has brought a lot of stuff to light. my mom insisted that i go about a month ago. i thought i did not need any one to help me talk out my junk, i'm fine. but i am not. i just push and push and push so much down because i dont want to deal with it. and then eventually, something makes me snap, it could be something really minute but i start to cry and cry and cry everything surfaces and my heart just hurts so bad and then comes the horrible migraine for the grand finale. and then i tell myself im not going to let myself do that again. so i'm good until my next breakdown- basically its a vicious cycle. all that to say, suppressing all those emotions could definitely be a factor adding to my head. infact i know it is. and then there's spiritual attack which alot of people have told me but i really didnt want to admit it. but it is. satan attacks right where i am weak and i break everytime.
i have come to the realization that i am so scared and i have pulled away from everyone that i love. pulling away just made it easier. even after last night which was so great, i have all these emotions all mixed together. and i hate that. so my insticnt is to not go back because its too hard right now.
hearing what matt said last night completely hit my heart. i do need people around that love me to surround me and support me. don't get me wrong tho. some of this time of me by myself with just Jesus has been really good. and i've learned alot. but i do need people.
lately i have become so negative. my thinking is just ridiculous. i've been reading some information that my counseling lady gave me about chronic pain and emotions and negativity that can spurr from it. There are five or six negative ways to think in this article i read and over half of them i was doing. i walk away from a situation and dwell on the bad not the good. and honestly there really is no bad i just have such a negative mindset i think its bad.
and then theres my dependency on everyone around me. i have no one to blame. i let it happen. but now, i'm so scared i can't do the whole thing called life. i'm so scared to try it all again. im so scared of failing. i'm so scared to come back. scared to come back to a place where i love.
i read this quote the other day from ragamuffin gospel. "why am i afraid to dance, i who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? why am i afraid to live, i who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? why am i afraid to love, i who love love?"
bottom line here- Jesus continues to ask me to trust Him. with all my heart. but i don't. i thought i did, but i don't. maybe i am to scared to trust Him, which sounds ridiculous. i know i question and even doubt what He is doing with me. When we are faithless, He is faithful. thats amazing truth but how i am ever going to move foward if i don't lay down everything, i mean everything. i think i trust Him in my head. i know His promises. but trust is a matter of the heart. and my heart is not there.
i think i'll end with a quote again by the wonderful mr. manning. "when i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes. i believe and i doubt, i hope and get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, and i feel guilty about not feeling guilty. i am trusting and suspicious. i am honest and i still play games.....to live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. in admitting my shadow side, i learn who i am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, 'a saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.' "
i have come to the realization that i am so scared and i have pulled away from everyone that i love. pulling away just made it easier. even after last night which was so great, i have all these emotions all mixed together. and i hate that. so my insticnt is to not go back because its too hard right now.
hearing what matt said last night completely hit my heart. i do need people around that love me to surround me and support me. don't get me wrong tho. some of this time of me by myself with just Jesus has been really good. and i've learned alot. but i do need people.
lately i have become so negative. my thinking is just ridiculous. i've been reading some information that my counseling lady gave me about chronic pain and emotions and negativity that can spurr from it. There are five or six negative ways to think in this article i read and over half of them i was doing. i walk away from a situation and dwell on the bad not the good. and honestly there really is no bad i just have such a negative mindset i think its bad.
and then theres my dependency on everyone around me. i have no one to blame. i let it happen. but now, i'm so scared i can't do the whole thing called life. i'm so scared to try it all again. im so scared of failing. i'm so scared to come back. scared to come back to a place where i love.
i read this quote the other day from ragamuffin gospel. "why am i afraid to dance, i who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? why am i afraid to live, i who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? why am i afraid to love, i who love love?"
bottom line here- Jesus continues to ask me to trust Him. with all my heart. but i don't. i thought i did, but i don't. maybe i am to scared to trust Him, which sounds ridiculous. i know i question and even doubt what He is doing with me. When we are faithless, He is faithful. thats amazing truth but how i am ever going to move foward if i don't lay down everything, i mean everything. i think i trust Him in my head. i know His promises. but trust is a matter of the heart. and my heart is not there.
i think i'll end with a quote again by the wonderful mr. manning. "when i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes. i believe and i doubt, i hope and get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, and i feel guilty about not feeling guilty. i am trusting and suspicious. i am honest and i still play games.....to live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. in admitting my shadow side, i learn who i am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, 'a saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.' "
posted by Christy G at 4/21/2006 12:27:00 PM
1 Comments:
just thought i'd drop you a word. not to many years ago i went through somethings that, to be quite honest i thought at the time were going to be the end of me. i was very much in the same boat at the time as you are, though i didn't have headaces. i had stopped eating and had lots of back pain( the kind of pain that makes you want to cry). this pain now that i look back on it had a lot to do with the pain i was feeling due to the what others thought of me, expected of me, and what others had done to me. i was very much depressed and very much hurt. that limited me alot, my senior year in high school, i had no one that i felt i could trust, no one that understood me the way i wanted to be understood. all the while though Father understood me, i hated admitting that, i hated him at that time, because i didn't understand how a supposily gracious God, could have me in the pits that way. then GOD came and the reality of Him came. not that he hadn't been there already but he revealed himself to me in that way that has multipled greatly since i've been at Auburn. he showed me his love by blessing me with some of the greatest friends, and lots of them. those friends helped me recover from my dispair of being alone. those friends helped me to see my true self in the hands of GOD. now he still keeps me in check about not finding my identity in them but only in HIM. sweetie matt is very much right in saying how important it is to surround yourself with his church, his people, the friends he has for you. i'm saying that you have his favor and he will bless you in ways unimaginable, if keep your focus on him. i hope your doing better i miss you and hope to see you soon. GOD BLESS.
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