pretty in pink

so im kinda sad. actually rather sad. tonight was the last encounter. and i was too sick to make it. which makes me sad because A- i really do miss encounter worship (lights off, with music blaring so you can't even hear yourself...every ministry is different, i guess i just miss "home") and B i really do miss all of you. and, i'm also sad because i didn't make it the night before for leah and robins surprises. stupid head.

and now, i probably won't see half of the people until next august. so sad. i don't even know what anyone is doing for summer. i've "fallen off the face of the earth" for way to long. hopefully i'll make it to summer encounter. always so wonderful. i love it in the founders chapel. i love the atmosphere.

(random thought- i really hate it when people talk down to me like i'm stupid. guess i just wanted to vent that frustration as well.)

so anyways, my night was spent laying on the couch, ice bags in place, watching pretty in pink. classic. you gotta love it. and- ok- i love duckie. he's so great. i would definitley pick him over blaine, but obviously i didn't write the story. duckie is just too great. he's not scared to be himself. he is quirky and funny. what's not to love??

so, you see, i have been giving myself little "projects" just to keep me busy. one is the piano but that is actually a big project. its getting really challenging, but its really cool. its so cool how this guy has figured out how to teach all the stuff. (ex: to make a major chord to a minor chord move you right thumb down 1 key. to make a major chord into a 7th chord, move your left thumb down two keys) its crazy and hard but really fun.

anyways, my newest projects are number 1 i bought two rose bushes. i'm going to see if i can keep them alive and pretty. rumor has it that growing roses is extremely hard. and number 2 i'm going to make a list of questions about LOST (incase you didn't know my favorite show ever!). i seriously think i can come up with 200 questions. maybe once its finished i will post it so any other fellow losties can go "yeah! what's up with that!". I cheat and get on spoilerfix.com and read about whats to come. it doesn't give away that much. (don't read the rest of this paragraph it you don't want to know anything.) there are four episodes left, including the season finale that is 2 hours long. rumor has it we will see walt again, we will see desmonde again, and there may be possible deaths before the season is out. oh yea, and there will be consequences for crossing "the line". if you just got really mad because you didn't want to know that, well i'm really sorry, i gave a fair warning. i used to have theories but now there are so many questions i have no clue whats going on.

ok i ended up typing more than i intended. one follow up thought. my heart is doing a little bit better since my last post. i'm sure ill share more later. but for now, peaceout a-town.

p.s.

somehow my profile and links went all the way to the bottom. if anyone knows how to fix it please let me know. i tried to fix the template, i think i messed it up even more.

a little honesty

i was able to make it up to auburn last night. which was good, really good. i have so much going on in my heart. i want to share but i don't even know if i can put all of it in words. but im going to try. the Lord has just been revealing and revealing over the past few weeks. and its stuff i don't want to deal with. so i just try to ignore it. i've been going to counseling which has brought a lot of stuff to light. my mom insisted that i go about a month ago. i thought i did not need any one to help me talk out my junk, i'm fine. but i am not. i just push and push and push so much down because i dont want to deal with it. and then eventually, something makes me snap, it could be something really minute but i start to cry and cry and cry everything surfaces and my heart just hurts so bad and then comes the horrible migraine for the grand finale. and then i tell myself im not going to let myself do that again. so i'm good until my next breakdown- basically its a vicious cycle. all that to say, suppressing all those emotions could definitely be a factor adding to my head. infact i know it is. and then there's spiritual attack which alot of people have told me but i really didnt want to admit it. but it is. satan attacks right where i am weak and i break everytime.

i have come to the realization that i am so scared and i have pulled away from everyone that i love. pulling away just made it easier. even after last night which was so great, i have all these emotions all mixed together. and i hate that. so my insticnt is to not go back because its too hard right now.

hearing what matt said last night completely hit my heart. i do need people around that love me to surround me and support me. don't get me wrong tho. some of this time of me by myself with just Jesus has been really good. and i've learned alot. but i do need people.

lately i have become so negative. my thinking is just ridiculous. i've been reading some information that my counseling lady gave me about chronic pain and emotions and negativity that can spurr from it. There are five or six negative ways to think in this article i read and over half of them i was doing. i walk away from a situation and dwell on the bad not the good. and honestly there really is no bad i just have such a negative mindset i think its bad.

and then theres my dependency on everyone around me. i have no one to blame. i let it happen. but now, i'm so scared i can't do the whole thing called life. i'm so scared to try it all again. im so scared of failing. i'm so scared to come back. scared to come back to a place where i love.

i read this quote the other day from ragamuffin gospel. "why am i afraid to dance, i who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? why am i afraid to live, i who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? why am i afraid to love, i who love love?"

bottom line here- Jesus continues to ask me to trust Him. with all my heart. but i don't. i thought i did, but i don't. maybe i am to scared to trust Him, which sounds ridiculous. i know i question and even doubt what He is doing with me. When we are faithless, He is faithful. thats amazing truth but how i am ever going to move foward if i don't lay down everything, i mean everything. i think i trust Him in my head. i know His promises. but trust is a matter of the heart. and my heart is not there.

i think i'll end with a quote again by the wonderful mr. manning. "when i get honest, i admit i am a bundle of paradoxes. i believe and i doubt, i hope and get discouraged, i love and i hate, i feel bad about feeling good, and i feel guilty about not feeling guilty. i am trusting and suspicious. i am honest and i still play games.....to live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. in admitting my shadow side, i learn who i am and what God's grace means. As Thomas Merton put it, 'a saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God.' "

i've had lots of thoughts today. i guess i do everyday, but i just thought i would share today. today. hmm. i was thinking about which day i like more- good friday- at the cross, i am completely covered in His blood. but today. wow today -Christ CONQUERED death. ok they both are amazing. "sin has lost its power, death has lost its sting. by the cross You have risen VICTORIOUSLY!!" mmm yes, good stuff.

we are covered in His blood. we are covered by His blood. Yes. Jesus is so good. it's fun to look back at places where i was and then really understand it later. you see today when i was thinking, i remembered my mindset in high school. seriously, i remember how everyone was so crazy about Jesus' Blood. not, that i wasn't, i just didn't fully understand. i was like praise Jesus- You rose from the dead, but why are we making such a big deal about the blood- i mean really thinking about blood kind of makes me sick. so i came to college, right. ok and Jesus is so good and He placed me in this amazing community that challenged me daily, even hourly. He is so good. and then the concept was stressed that i am whole in Christ. i am complete in Christ. i am holy and righteous in Christ- but only when i am covered in His blood. Ah- this is huge. this is so huge. i think so many people miss this revelation. where is the gap, where do people miss it. i don't know. i mean heck, i know this truth, i know it. but so many times i forget it. but thats not my point. i guess i just wanted to let everyone know. WE ARE COVERED IN HIS BLOOD

you know, lately its so easy for me to fall into negative thinking. and i hate that. i become so absorbed with myself and i hate where i am and everything thats happening to me. i just forget so easily that its not about me. not one bit. not at all.

today in church they did this thing that i really don't know how to describe except that it was just basically a description of our Father. this one description stood out to me. He is the sum of all human greatness. wow, that was cool. you know how certain words make you see things in a new light. think of all that man has accomplished. so much. and think of all of our potential. alot. but whats even more amazing is that God is all that together times affinity. it was just a nice reminder of how huge and powerful He is!!

all these thoughts don't really flow. but like i said it was all bouncing around in my head today. i really do hope everyone had an incredibly amazing day.

much love
cg

this ain't the first time....

ok- i love this commercial. not sure why- maybe its because i prefer to buy a cd over the itunes because i like having the cd case and cover. oh the money i have invested in cd's over the years. fun fact about me: my first cd's were Michael Jackson's "History", The Bodyguard Soundtrack, and oh yes, Dance Mix USA vol 2. wow, you guys i literally would move the coffe table out of the way in the den and dance around on my makeshift stage. good times, fun memories. ok so for real- the commercial: http://www.apple.com/ipod/ads/ CHECK IT OUT :)

TiME

so, its taken me a while to post how everything went. a couple of things happened. first, increased one of my meds and took me off another. but the main thing is the chiropractor. im glad i can atleast take it off my list and know that it has been ruled out. he made 3 "adjustments" to my neck (aka snapping my neck). and oh buddy it was bad. i dont even know why i let them do that, but i guess i was just hopeful. i saw him two days and that second night was brutal as far as the pain is concerned. my head is still worse than it was before i went but i think whatever made it worse is settling back down. i do want to say this- i am by no means bashing chiropractors. i am just saying that with all my problems, it definitley was not the thing for me. anyway, i miss auburn, which is good. atleast i want to come back. i remember this time last year i was miserable trying to finish school and i literally cried everytime i had to go up to auburn. so much has happened since then, but then again i feel like i'm in the same place sometimes. so this song popped in my head the other day and i think its rather appropriate:

it takes a little time sometimes

to get your feet back on the ground

it takes a little time sometimes

to get the titanic turned back around

it takes a little time sometimes

but baby you're not going down

it takes more than you've got right now

give it, give it time

what's this walking through my door

i know i've seen the look before

sometimes on faces in the street

and sometimes in the mirror looking back at me

you can't fix this pain with money

you can't rush a weary soul

you can't sweep it under the rug now honey

but it don't take a lot to know

well it may not be over by morning

but rome wasn't built in a day

you can name that thing a thousand times

and it won't make it go away

let me put my arms around you

and hold you while you weep

we've been talking and you know what, i'm sick of this talk

and it's nothing that won't keep

you can't fix this pain with money

you can't rush a weary soul

you can't sweep it under the rug now honey

but it don't take a lot to know...

thank you miss amy grant. ok so maybe not every single word, but in general you know good stuff, good encouragement, good reminder- give it time :)