Statement

Ok so I went back and reread what I put up last night. 1- it is so long even I got ancy sitting there reading the whole thing. 2- well let's see, I think the best way to say this is that my thoughts were no where near coherrent. I'm all over the place. When I was typing it, I had all this stuff floating around in my head that made it all make sense, but since you guys dont have all of the its just almost like a bunch of jibberish. I can't stay on any of the same points. That's ok though- it just means I need practice before I actually want to sit down and write a book. No seriously, I always thought it would be cool to write a book, but through the blogging world I have been able to see I need to step it up as far as grammar and consistency. Sorry for the random thoughts- but i didnt want to delete it because it took me so long to type it. I hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas. Those of you going to Passion- you will all be in my prayers- that the Lord will move in you and show you new things and also continue to work on things you have been chewing on for a while. And get ready- I want to hear all about it since I can't be there.
love,
christy

Pondering

So I am always thinking about things. And then i say to myself- you should go type that and put it in your blog. But the problem is I never make it. Mostly because I am having to cut back the computer time. Now i only get on once every few days- which is so much less considering I used to get on like 3 times a day. The computer for a long time has proven to be yet another one of my migraine triggers. Maybe I should just write them down in my journal and then come post it. I love journaling. As in me, my pen, and my journal. It's a way to gather all of my swarming thoughts. And there are so many.

This guy I met in Michigan- his name was Clarence. He was yet another who could totally identify where I have been. We could share stories and say oh my gosh that happened to me and everyone thought i was crazy!! but the point is that he was convinced that all of us migrainers are so much smarter than everyone else because we have so much time to sit and think. Now, I dont at all think I am smarter than any of you, but I have been given all this time and i think ALOT. Many times while I am resting I just think about all these things that I am working through. But let me be honest- sometimes when I am laying in bed with my icebags, freezer thing for my neck, wet washcloth, and a pillow to balance it all (and i must add this is a daily occurance) and it hurts so bad. Sometimes all I can manage is just pleading to the Lord "please ease my pain, take it away!" Another thing that makes me worse is when I cry. This past week it hurt so badly that i just wanted to cry. But if I gave in and started to cry my head would only get worse. I dont write this so everyone will say poor pitiful me. Well not poor pitiful me, but I just get so frustrated sometimes. People will say cant you just do this. And alot of times it is people that I love. And I feel pathetic, but I can't do it and I hate the fact that no one really understands. And it's no one fault, they just haven't been there. And then the Lord whispers "Christy I know your pain and lonliness." And I try to let that keep me from just going mad. But I also just want to be real- its hard. so hard.

But then as i am typing all this, I realize yes it is hard. and lonley. and all the other words that can describe life. But this is my trial. This is my weakness. It is unique only to me, but that doesn't mean everyone else in their own trials and heartache aren't experiencing the emotions that I feel. I was just scanning over other blogs and lately the general consensus is this underlying feeling of loneliness.

The tv is on in the background and I just heard them quote "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Thoreau was the one who stated that so many years ago. 1854- i just googled for the year because i was curious. I think that is incredible insight into a man's soul. Now I am not claiming I have analyzed this quote so, my thoughts could be total rubbish BUT i just think that one thing everyone has in common is loneliness. I think it is the evil one's greatest tool. To make us feel unimportant, aimless, not noticed, etc. Everyone wants to share their lives with another because they want someone just to witness their life, and make them feel as tho we have meaning. I think I took that straight from some movie but I find it valid. You know I wish I could be some great writer and not doubt myself or my opinions but bodly share with the world the things that I have found are Truth in my life.

I have completely digressed from my point. I honestly am not even sure what it was in the first place. It is so good for me to gather my thoughts. The Father is constantly pouring truth over me when I do, but for some reason half the time I am too lazy to sit and write down my heart. I mean those of you that know me know just how long i can make an email or voice message or whatever else. Can you just imagine when it's just me and God and how much I want to share with Him. It's alot. And half of the time I dont take any of that to Him. So I have all of this building up inside of me. my flesh- its just- how can i describe it- maybe just so thick and so yuck. Why do I constantly give in?

This is getting lengthy but I do want to post these lyrics. I was listening to Christmas music and this song came on in my car and it brought me to tears. Then I saw Beth had posted it on her blog. I guess I feel like this path that I am on- I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Lauren Samford was talking to me and she was like "wow, christy, passion kind of marks a whole year of where you have been." I have walked this road for a year. I can't remember the last time my head was not hurting. I've been stripped down to the core, broken beyond what I thought was possible. Not just my head but everything along with it. Let me share this song-

I have traveled many moonless nights,
Cold and weary with a babe inside,
And I wonder what I’ve done.
Holy father you have come,
And chosen me now
to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer.
I am frightened by the load I bear.
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now.
Be with me now.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Light in my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face,
If a wiser one should have had my place,
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong.
Help me be.
Help me.

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.

Breath of heaven,
Light in my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

The one thing I gathered from this year is that I cannot not do it. The only reason I have made it this far is because He has picked me up and carried me through. Father I praise You for Your mercy, Your kindness, Your grace, Your community, Your love, but most of all for Your LIFE in me.

my heart this past week

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But

I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me.

nothing in particular

I have nothing specific to write all about. I just felt like typing. Let's see where it takes me. My sister is in the back laughing at herself. She is reading some old note that she wrote to my mom. She said "Oh my gosh i spelled thanks with an 'x'." Yes well, I am eating a clementine orange from spain. Well atleast that is what the box says. I have recently "rediscovered" how much I like them. You know, you forget and then you find it and you are like "Yea!! i love this!!" Whenever I see a clementine I always think of Lucy Margaret Thompson. She always had one of these at lunch in high school it seemed like. Oh high school lunch- i will never forget when all the boys who were so mean to me starting chanting "christy g" so the whole lunch room was staring at me. You know christy g- i was trying to figure out where that came about. I think it was in 11th grade. Ryan and Hardy were definitley advocates for it i must say. Its funny to me when people who have known me forever still call me christy g. its ok tho. i've never had a real nick name. this one isnt really its just a part of my full name maybe. except Jayme- she calls me krispy kreme. only because this chick thought my name was christy green and they were like hey that sounds like krispy kreme!! I was talking to becky earlier. she said there is something so exciting about growing up. High school was fun, but this is so much better. It's funny because my senior year in highschool i dont think i could have complained anymore about how much i hated highschool and i was ready for college. But now when i look back, i loved it. Becky and I arrived at the conclusion that high school was really the last time in my life when I had any stability. I'm reading all the blogs. Everyone is saying how the year went by so quickly. I feel just the opposite to be honest. I hate to be debbie downer but i just feel like i have no direction in my life right now. Nothing that is driving me. All i am trying to do is "get healthier", but it seems so far away. I saw jenny the other day. She was just telling me it can't get any worse. and then i said yes that is what you told me this summer. But maybe she is right. it can't get any worse. It's so easy with my situation to just hide from the world. I have found that that option is so much easier. But in the end it will be harder. I can't crawl in my little cave and just let everything and everyone pass me by. I guess its just finding that point in between. Not too much but just enough. And nothing right now brings me joy. That is really really bad. Father please bring me Your joy. It's the only kind worth having. Help me to find and appreciate the small blessings in my life. Help me to keep my mindset "above the line". Draw me closer to You. No one has every loved me like the way You love me, wrap Your arms around me. Father let me look full into Your face so the things of this earth will grow dim compared to Your glory and grace.

Two Worlds

My first thought is that i need to change the name of my blog. i mean christy g how original is that?? so i am waiting for inspiration as to a new title.

Ok what I really what to tell. Callie and I went to see the rockettes last weekend at the Fox Theater. Seeing the dancing makes me miss it even more. I'm at this point where I see dancers performing and it almost brings me to a point of tears because I miss it so much. Crazy, I know. But I just can't right now. This is where the Lord has me. When I take class, my head goes through the roof. But I'm trusting that in His time I will be able to excerise that passion. And if not, well, Father knows best. Yet again another tangent.

So on the ride to atlanta with Cal, there was lots of time to talk. In talking to her I have realized that I'm trying to live in two completely different worlds. I don't know if any of you can relate, but if you can, you know what a trial it is. I am at home in montgomery, but I still try to live in the auburn world. I was going to auburn like twice a week. But everytime I come up there I realize that I'm not living up there. I don't know how everyone is and what the are dealing with. I don't know all the jokes anymore because I wasn't there when they happened. I enjoy the people that i love and their company, but i leave feeling even more isolated.

And talk about isolation. I am in montgomery. I don't know people my age in montgomery. Everyone I was friends with is off at school. I'm not in school, which has been such a blessing. But living a life of being in school at college is completely different from the rest of the world. When you are on your campus its so hard to remember there is a huge world out there. Life is passing you by so quickly because the college lifestyle is so quick paced. Where as outside of that "bubble" is completely different. I 'm learning what that world looks like. It's much slower. It's much more lonely to a certain extent. It's just completely different.

I know exactly why I am at this place in life but that doesn't make it any easier. The only thing I can do is know that He is faithful. I always come back to this point- i'm walking in His truth, feeding on His faithfulnees, claiming His promises, clinging to Him.

I've had so much happend this past year. The Lord has completely stripped me of everything that I thought defined me. What is amazing is that He is showing me my identity in Him. I am complete, whole, accepted, a perfect 10. I may feel like a 2, but with Christ I am a 10. I am learning what it means to walk in that identity. I am also learning what it is that makes me unique to the body of Christ. What qualities has the Lord given me, making me significant. It's a cool place to be, searching for Him, learning what it looks like to make decisions and my actions not my own, but Christ's actions through me. Learning that Christ alone can be our community. I am completely broken, making the road I am walking right now long, hard, and lonely. And this "world" that He has me in right now can simply get me down. The only thing that can snap me out of it is Him, His truth, His company. And knowing that these trials are building me, making me stronger, developing and pulling out the characteristics He has put in me. He is faithful. Bottom line, when all else fails, even when I am faithless, He is faithful.

::Immanuel::

"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

"An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.' "

s-c-o-p-e

Hello all. So your are like what in the world, scope? are you talking about the listerine? No, no, something much worse- endosopy. Yes, I had one done yesterday morning. In all actuality it wasn't that bad. But- ha- what they found- "seriously" i thought "are you kidding??" Yes well I have had this thing with my stomach since like junior highschool. It's like my stomach is killing me, then I eat and it gets worse. The doctor was just like here's some protonix and take some zantac if you need more relief. Ok so when I was in michigan, it had flared up again. Now the big problem here is my stomach, killing me, dont want to eat at all; my head, killing me, i have to eat something or its going to get worse. So it was like this battle and i had to decide, ok which one do i want to hurt worse today, the stomach or the head. Anyways, the doctors at MHNI were like we will get a G.I. doctor to check you out. He was like you may have an ulcer, especially since i started taking advil everyday for my head in like the eighth grade and then the list only progressivly went towards heavier drugs than advil. Ok, so I get home and we scheduele a scope with the doctor here in town. December 1st at 7 am- woo hoo love those early mornings. So you are like, christy come on get to the point. ok here we are. My stomach is not working correctly. yea, i didnt even know that could happen. Apparently the muscles in my stomach don't do their job right, and so i can't digest all of my food properly- thus my stomach pain is the consequence. Wow, i still am like what the heck? but anyways he told me there are two meds that will help this- one has nuerological side effects. im sure you can reason for yourself that one was eliminated quickly. so that left us with one med to try. it is suppose to help stimulate those muscles in my stomach. I still can't believe this has been going on since 8th grade- its actually really gross to think about. but in a wierd way, facsinating at the same time. So I am taking yet another medicine everyday. Thats adds up to be 7 different medications every day. I feel like such a grandma. Hopefully the med will work on my stomach. He said that it most likely was caused by all the medicines I have been on in the past. Yes, but i did want to make this one comment. The put me asleep to do the procedure. It is about the wierdest thing ever. I mean I was laying there and the nurse told me she was giving me the medicine through my IV. I was sitting there, well laying actually, thinking- i'm not even drowsy at all yet....then I hear my parents voices and I am like "What in the world are they doing in the surgery room!!" but it was over and i was in recovery. it's like I lost a whole 30 minutes of my life, and i will never be able to remember it (not that i want to). But it was just so wierd!!! Yes well, last thought. I was watching OC last night and at the end a song was playing. I thought- I know this song- but then I realized it was "yellow" but it was not coldplay singing- some chick. and it was awful. i couldnt believe it. how in the world did this chick think she could pull it off, i dont know. Let me also state that although i think words and music are by coldplay ( which honestly im almost 100%) but i have been known to mistake who was the actual creator of the music- ex- i totally thought taht john mayer had written message in a bottle (let me state also i was in the 10th grade) but then the song came on the radio and i go- thats by john mayer!. and then my friend laughs and says, no- its by police, john mayer covers it. yes i felt stupid. ok i'm rambling. i am off to atlanta to see the Rockettes!!! in the Fox Theater!! i just love that place. yes well hope everyone had an excellent week. I love you guys, but mostly right now i miss you guys!!! ok, peaceout- word to ya mother- ice ice baby :)